Dear Rabbi,
I have recently been exposed to websites targeting the religious community that permit the use of a variety of pleasure products. Is it halachically permissible to use these products? Is there a concern that the products could lead to a distancing between the couple because they will no longer need each other? Finally, even if they are halakhically permissible, are they aligned with a Torah lifestyle?
Shalom U’vracha,
The answer to your question depends on the intended use of the pleasure products. The mitzvah of עוֹנָה (onah) obligates a husband to fulfill his wife's sexual needs, creating a stronger bond and a stronger relationship. This obligation is separate from the mitzvah of פְּרוּ וּרְבוּ, the obligation to have children. In fact, the mitzvah of onah is also relevant when a woman is not able to conceive, whether she is pregnant, using contraceptives, or menopausal.
The above is the simple halakhah.
The issue of the marital relationship becomes more complex when we consider the differences between men and women and the difference in the way each experiences pleasure. This is a subject that requires exploration, trial, and error. Communication skills are essential for creating a fulfilling sexual relationship.
In order to reach sexual pleasure, some women require additional intervention. Some suffer from vaginal dryness, which makes penetration painful. This issue can sometimes be resolved by using lubricants. Pleasure products can also help women achieve sexual pleasure and orgasm. Some women find their husband's attempts to pleasure them unproductive or even disruptive. If a couple wishes to use a pleasure product to strengthen their relationship, that’s a wonderful reason for doing so. In the same way, using lubricant will be encouraged if it makes things more pleasant for the couple. The product can be used in various stages of the relationship, with the husband or without him, as long as the purpose is to work toward a mutually pleasurable sexual experience.
Regarding the question of whether a woman will no longer need her spouse to pleasure her, I have yet to meet a person who prefers loneliness to a relationship, except when previous experiences are involved that were so painful that one might not trust oneself to make good decisions about relationships. Most people yearn for a meaningful relationship and are willing to invest a lot to build one. No gadget can replace the human experience. In a traditional society that educates toward the values of marriage and family, no product is a replacement for giving loving pleasure to one's spouse, which is expressed in so many more ways than what a product can achieve.
Regarding the halakhic question, there is no halakhic foundation for prohibiting the use of pleasure products. Anything not prohibited by the Torah or Chazal should be regarded as permissible.
Is the product inappropriate?
The product is no more than a tool. Like any tool, it can be used for good or for evil. The internet can be used inappropriately, but it can also be used for spreading Torah to every corner of the world; G-d gave us the choice to elevate and sanctify or to waste and misuse. A sex toy is nothing but a tool; if used well, it can connect between partners and add passion and love.
In the past, purchasing a sex toy involved exposure to websites or stores with immodest content. Today, there are websites intended for the religious community that do not include exposure to problematic content, especially for married people.
One of the significant challenges of our time is complete freedom to choose. People no longer have to make their choices based on social codes. This freedom can lead to good choices but also to bad ones, as reflected, among other things, through the high divorce rates of our time.
Therefore, our challenge is finding the way to long-lasting love and connection throughout marriage despite the rise in life expectancy. Pleasure products and games, good communication, and conversation can help add interest and passion. Any tool that can be used to help a couple stay together is welcome.
Rabbi Rafi Ostroff
The responder, Rabbi Rafi Ostroff, is the Head of the Gush Etzion Religious Council. He is a marriage and sexual educator with over 20 years of experience in this field. Rabbi Ostroff holds a degree from Merkaz HaRav and Yeshivat Har Etzion, as well as a Sexual Counseling certification from the Puah Institute and Bar-Ilan University.
1. In my book לדעת לאהוב I included a chapter on variation and innovation in the bedroom.
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