Physical Contact Between Husband and Wife on Yom Kippur

Marital relations (tashmish ha-mittah) are considered a form of physical pleasure (hana’ah) and are forbidden just like the other afflictions of Yom Kippur [the prohibitions of eating and drinking, washing, anointing, and wearing shoes] (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim 615).

What else is included in this prohibition besides actual marital relations?

In the Mishnah, Gemara, Rambam, and most of the early authorities (Rishonim), only the prohibition of tashmish ha-mittah itself is mentioned.

The Beit Yosef on the Tur cites the Hagahot Mordechai, who forbids sleeping in the same bed, and the Agudah, who forbids even any form of physical contact between husband and wife.

The Taz on the Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 615:1) differentiates: touch during the day is permitted, since there is no concern they will be drawn further because of the awe of the day, but sleeping in one bed is forbidden both by day and night. According to him, physical contact between husband and wife is forbidden only at night. The Magen Avraham, however, disagrees and prohibits both (touch and sharing a bed), whether by day or by night. The Magen Avraham also adds not to engage in extended conversation with one’s wife, and in the name of the Mahari”l he writes to observe all the separations (harhakot) between husband and wife as in the time of niddah.

Most of the later authorities (Acharonim) disagreed with the Taz and prohibit all forms of contact as in the laws of niddah, whether by day or by night. Indeed, it seems the Taz did not see the actual words of the Agudah, which are explicit:

[פסחים נ״ג ע״ב] מקום שנהגו [להדליק נר] בליל יוהכ״פ מדליקין, מקום שנהגו שלא להדליק אין מדליקין. דרש רבא ועמך כולם צדיקים, כולם לדבר אחד נתכוונו, פי׳ להרחיק מן התשמיש, וכתב רבינו שמחה מכאן ראי׳ שירחיק אדם מאשתו ביוה״כ שלא ליגע בה ובבגדיה כאילו נדה, שהרי החמירו להדליק או שלא להדליק ובנדה לא החמירו. “

Where the custom is to light a candle on the eve of Yom Kippur, one lights; where the custom is not to light, one does not light. Rava expounded: ‘And your people are all righteous’—all had one purpose, namely, to distance from marital relations. And Rabbenu Simcha wrote that from here is a proof that a man should distance himself from his wife on Yom Kippur not to touch her or even her garments, as if she were a niddah, for they were stringent to light or not to light, a stringency greater than that of niddah itself.”(Pesachim 53b; cited by Agudah)

The Agudah explains that whether one lights a candle in the bedroom or refrains from doing so, the intention in both customs is to prevent marital relations. He concludes that on Yom Kippur, one must be even stricter than with ordinary niddah.

Therefore, it is clear that on this holy day of Yom Kippur, it is forbidden for husband and wife even to touch one another, and their beds must be kept separate at night, just as during the wife’s days of niddah.

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Spiritual Reflection

The Jewish people were given a gift: one day a year to live almost like the ministering angels, beyond the body. We do not eat or drink, we do not bathe, and according to some, the pious would not even sleep at night (see Derech HaChayim, seder for Yom Kippur night 7). I imagine that if it were possible to command refraining from going to the restroom, we would do that on Yom Kippur as well.

There is something wondrous in having one day a year when we try to transcend all bodily needs, including of course the pleasure of intimacy. We should rejoice in this opportunity to step out of physical comfort and focus entirely on the spiritual dimension of life.

I recall once being with a diverse group of Jews on the eve of Yom Kippur, and many shared that Yom Kippur is the most meaningful day of the year—even though some were not observant. In the State of Israel, the vast majority of Jews refrain from driving on that day—not by law, but out of respect and choice. “Ve-‘amekh kulam tzaddikim – Your people are all righteous.”

The Torah does not wish us to live this way always. Many mitzvot involve food—foremost among them the sacrificial offerings and the Seder night. But once a year, the Torah grants us a glimpse beyond… beyond our ordinary physical reality. And this includes abstaining from all physical contact between husband and wife.

Gmar Chatima Tova,

Rabbi Rafi Ostroff